Love > Always Being Right

Early this afternoon, I read an article by blogger Justin Ricklefs entitled 12 Lessons Learned In 12 Years Of Marriage. Ricklefs doesn't mention this directly, but as I was reading his thoughts, I was reminded of another concept that seems to be important in the relationships that I've observed in both the ones that succeed, and the ones that fail: love is more important than always being right. I had some very dear friends a few years ago whose marriage had grown out of less-than-ideal circumstances, but they'd been together for years, and were married for a long time. Their marriage eventually failed, and while I think both of them were at fault, I think the fault was moreso with the husband: he was more concerned with being right about what he thought were bedrock principles than he was with being the loving husband his wife needed. (In their case, their dispute was over theology and religious beliefs, which may sound trivial, but they were both heavily involved in ministry at their church, him moreso than her, so he thought it was fundamental.) I kept trying to get across to him that being right was irrelevant if it destroyed his marriage - I even bought him a copy of Alex Kendrick's The Love Dare, of which I was made aware by the well-intentioned but sort of ham-fisted movie called Fireproof.


I run into the same problem with Lady Jaye on some occasions. I feel like men's brains are generally hard-wired to see things in pretty distinct terms of black and white, right and wrong. Working in security, it's become a big part of my job. Either a person is authorized access, or they aren't. Either a procedure was followed, or it wasn't. I'm very analytical by nature, and when I feel that a question of wrong or right has important ramifications, I can get passionate about it. The shades of grey - I prefer the six standard shades provided in Microsoft Office applications to the fifty of the infamous trilogy, but whatever floats your boat - are a continual challenge for me that I've had to get good at, and could still stand to improve upon.

I'm tempted to share a lot of back story here, but I think it's wise not to do so. So, I'll skip a bit and say that Lady Jaye and her family are Roman Catholic - her mother was actually a nun - and while my feet are firmly planted in the Protestant Reformation, there near its figurative border with the Roman tradition. Lady Jaye and her mother - let's call her Um al Dikrumi - are both very fond of Pope Francis, and have recently read a book about him. (Pope Francis: Conversations with Jorge Bergoglio: His Life in His Own Words) I've had some conversations with Um al Dikrumi about Pope Francis, and expressed my concerns that many of his statements are being taken out of context or mistranslated by journalists. I'm not sure if Um al Dikrumi completely agrees with me, but she's been receptive to my theory that the Pontiff isn't the liberal reformer that the media is portraying him to be; rather, he's trying to emphasize Catholicism's traditions of compassion, service, and love, rather than its image as a dogmatic bureaucracy.

So, where am I going with this? Well, let's start by quoting a couple of passages of scripture...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

* * *
On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
- Luke 10:25-28

... and then think about them. This is what the Bible is all about. This is what Ephesians is talking about when it says "husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". And you know what? That love is difficult. Christ loved the church even though Peter thrice-denied Christ. The Epistles in the New Testament are all about screw-ups and challenges that the early church faced. Through it all, we Christians believe that Christ loved the church: patiently, kindly, without envy, without boasting, and without pride. What does that translate into for husbands (or boyfriends)? It means letting it go when you know (or at least, are confident) that you're right. It means forgiving when you feel that you've been treated unfairly. It means being selfless when your beloved can't or won't do the same. Sometimes it's difficult, and painful, and challenging, and it takes diligence and hard work. But we have to remind ourselves that it's important, and it's worthwhile.

And then, we have to hope that the ladies cut us the same slack.